Hope of Morning
by 0KairiYajuu0
Summary: A series of One-Shots in where Goku has bipolar/manic-depressive disorder. Trigger warning for suicidal thoughts.
1. Chapter 1

**Author Notes:** I myself am bipolar. It's not that I believe that Goku and Goten are, it's that I need someone to project these feelings onto. One thing I fear more than anything else, more than death, more than the suicidal thoughts, is the fear of passing this down to my future children. So I wanted to express that fear somehow. I poured my soul into this and even cried when writing it because it just hits so close to home for me. Please understand where I'm coming from when I write this. I'm not trying to romanticize manic-depression and I'm not trying to force others to adopt this head-canon but the idea of Goku being bipolar just... feels right to me. Trigger warning for suicidal thoughts.

 **Hope of Morning**

A boy stayed locked up in his room. Of course, that was only a figure of speech. Their doors didn't have locks on them. Still, he wasn't feeling good and he wasn't sure what to think of it. Everything just felt so slow for him.

"Hey sport." In came his dad. The last person he wanted to see at the moment. Hid dad was always so happy and peppy. There was no way he could understand.

"Dad, just leave me be right now."

"You feel really heavy right now, right?"

The boy sat up slowly from laying in bed and stared at his father. "Y-yeah. How did you know?"

"Cause I get like that, too." Goku sighed and sat down on the bed with Goten. He reached out and rubbed his son's hair gently, starring with such pity and sadness. He missed when the boy looked just like him but now his hair was grown out and fell like a regular humans. Still, this was one thing he wished Goten didn't get from him.

"I noticed the other day. You were talking really fast back then. We all asked you to slow down but you just kept going." Goku laughed to himself at the memory. "We were all having such a good time with you acting out like that. And so were you."

Goten looked down. "I get it, Dad. You want me to act like that again. But I can't. I just… can't imagine being happy ever again."

Goku winced. "No, son, that's not right. You will be happy again you just have to wait a few days. This feeling will pass."

Goten shook his head. "I don't think it ever will."

Goku groaned and rubbed his own head. "Goten just trust me. I know how you're feeling. You're feeling like..well, I can't really describe it when I'm not feeling it at the moment."

"Dad just stop." Goten went back to laying down in his bed, covering himself with the sheet and blanket. Goku frowned and bit the inside of his cheek. He was trying his best to be supportive. To be to his son what he never had but he wasn't sure what to do to make his son believe him.

"Goten. This is something I've never told anyone besides your mother. I - " Goku stopped when he saw a notebook next to his sons bed. He picked it up and as he read what was on the latest pages, his eyes grew wide. This was way more serious than he thought.

Over and over again on the pages Goten had wrote "Kill me kill me kill me I want to die I want to die" and everything in between.

Goku began to shake. This would be the hardest part of his parenting. He had to somehow explain to his son that this feeling would pass and that he had support but he wasn't sure what to do.

Finally making a decision, Goku stood up, left the room for a few moments and then came back with a stack of notebooks. "Goten. I need you to look through these. I've been filling them up for years. Ever since the day I died and left you alone with your mother I've been filling this up."

Goten groaned and shook his head under the blanket.

Goku frowned and glared, using his Dad voice. "Goten. Now."

Goten winced and slowly came out from under the covers, glaring right back at his dad. "What? What's so important, Dad? Can't you tell I don't want to see you right - "

Taking note that Goten wasn't going to cooperate, Goku sat down the books, held one singular one up and opened it. He shared with his son his secret and felt his heart stop as Goten starred with wide eyes.

In the notebook was the same as what lied in Goten's. Just a string of 'Dying was the best decision I ever made. It's for the best for everyone. Dying was the best decision I ever made. It's for the best for everyone' over and over and over.

Goten reached for another one at random slowly and looked at his father. When Goku nodded and sat down on the bed next to him, Goten swallowed a lump in his throat and opened it. There was even more. Line after line the pages were filled with 'I should've stayed dead. I made everything worse. Coming back brought everyone pain.'

Goten starred up at his dad. "Dad… what's wrong with me?"

Goku winced and then sighed, bringing a hand to his head and scratching. "Gohan told your mother it's called Manic-Depression. And it's genetic."

Goten looked down. "But I lived my whole life without it."

Goku nodded. "Yeah. It didn't hit for me until that day against Cell. It took longer for me but I guess your fight with Buu sped it up for you."

"Dad, what does that mean though?"

"It means some days you feel like nothing can hurt you and other days you feel like it'd be better if everything did. You know how sometimes you feel like the Dinos outside are calling for you? Or the days you feel like you're part tiger so you run out into the woods and we have to drag you back inside? That's the manic part. Those are delusions."

Goten looked up and leaned towards him. "But we can wish it away, right?"

"We've tried that. Shenron can't do it. You know if there was a way to magically make it go away, that'd be the first thing I'd do for you." Now it was Goku's turn to look down as he mumbled. "I should be the only one dealing with this." He sighed. "Goten the only thing I can say is that I'll be here to help you through this."

Goten looked down again. "Daddy. I'm scared of this."

Goku's heart shattered at that. He almost felt like he would get thrown into a depressive episode at this rate. He did the one thing he knew how. He wrapped his son up in a hug and held him close. "Goten. I promise. I'll be here for you."


	2. Chapter 2: The First Night

**Author Notes:** Another one of these one-shots. This one exploring Goku's first experience with depression and hallucinations.

 **The First Night**

Goku _was_ more than excited. He was hopping around having a great time during his first three and a half weeks in The Room of Spirit and Time but today was different. Today felt weird. This place was supposed to feel weird but this was something he didn't expect. Mr. Popo had warned him to be careful of the ways this place could mess with one's head but somehow he didn't believe it.

This was definitely wrong, though.

He laid in the bed, feeling cold and apathetic. He just didn't care about anything right now. Mr. Popo warned him that he could die in here. 'Maybe if I go out there and push myself really really hard, I will die.' His thoughts raced of things like that. He groaned and rolled over in the bed, covering himself in the blanket. He was so cold.

He looked up when he heard something strange coming from the empty abyss. He climbed out of bed and got dressed in his uniform before heading out, chasing the sound. It almost sounded like…

"Grandpa? Grandpa is that you?" He stopped eventually and looked around at the nothingness that surrounded him. Soon, the plain white emptiness faded away into his old home. He smiled wide and chased after what looked to be his grandfather. He saw him standing there with his arms stretched out ready to hug him and hug him Goku did. Only, he fell through him just before he made contact. He turned and stared and realized that in place of his home and his grandfather was the destitute land again.

Goku stood up and looked around. Officially, he was lost. He tried running back towards the door but he couldn't find it.

Sooner or later, Goku stopped running and sat down again, staring at the ground. "This is probably for the best." He said to himself. "I'll get to die out here." he winced when he heard the words out loud. What was wrong with him? He didn't want to die but at the same time, if he were to die he wouldn't object. "I can't die now." he continued "if I die now Piccolo will come back and ruin everything." He stood up but suddenly sat back down again. He felt heavy but this wasn't the heaviness from the room that would surround him days earlier, no, this was a heaviness that came from inside of himself.

Goku groaned and laid back, breathing heavy. What was this? He was hearing things, seeing things, feeling things, things he never experienced before. All he wanted, more than anything at this moment, was to die.

This room really was getting to him and to top it all off, he was lost.

Two days passed of Goku laying there. He couldn't know for sure how much time had gone by but he could feel it somehow. He rose from his spot and stretched. He was feeling much better. He didn't know what had gotten into him but if this room was going to mess with his head that bad, then it was probably best if he left.

He stood up and looked around. "Now how to make it back…" Goku did the one thing he knew how to do. He ran in one direction and hoped he would make it back. However long he spent in here was enough time for him. He wasn't getting anything done at this rate anyways. He ran all over the place, almost starving to death, and in about a days worth of time, he luckily made his way back to the entrance.

Once Goku made it back, he was treated to a feast. He laughed and told Mr. Popo and Kami all about the experience. He took note of their shared glances of confusion, worry and pity when Goku described the two days he spent laying down, feeling so low, but he thought nothing of it. Maybe they never experienced illusions there before but he certainly did. That place was really strange.


	3. Chapter 3: I'll Be Here

**Author Notes:** This is Chichi's first interaction with the Depression side. I think next chapter I'll have her experience with mania. This one really is more like a drabble since I don't want to repeat myself too much and I don't really think focusing so much on the depression side is a good idea even if it's the easiest one to write about.

 **I'll Be Here**

Goku pressed his ear against his wife's stomach. She said if he concentrated, he should be able to feel them. She couldn't help but smile as he did so.

Goku groaned and pulled away, looking up at his wife. "I still don't feel anything."

Chichi smiled and pet his head. "It's still early. Just be glad there aren't any mood swings yet."

Goku frowned and looked back to her stomach. "Mood swings, huh? That's when you suddenly feel like the world doesn't matter, right?"

Chichi frowned. That didn't sound quite right. "Goku, what are you talking about?"

He smiled up at her. "You know, those days when you feel like you dying would be the best thing for everyone."

Chichi shook her head and smiled at him, feeling like he was playing some sort of game or that he was confusing the kind of mood swings she would get with...something else he heard of. "No, not like that. Just a lot of yelling and crying is to be expected."

Goku frowned and looked up at her again, enjoying the feel of her hand in his hair. "Really? Then what do you call those days when you feel like you just want to lay in bed?"

"Hmm..." Chichi thought to herself. "Lazy days, I think?"

"Oh. lazy days, huh?" Then he smiled a big toothy grin for her. "Don't worry, Chichi, whenever you have lazy days, I'll be here to look after you."

Chichi laughed and ruffled up his hair some. "I'll need your help with the sad days more than the lazy days."

Goku raised an eyebrow. "Sad days? But I thought lazy days were when you feel sad."

Chichi paused and frowned once more. "Goku... what else happens on your lazy days?"

He looked up in thought. Needing a moment to process that question. "Well, I stay in bed all day mostly and I think about dyin' a lot."

Chichi winced and hand froze, not knowing what to do with that new information. "Dying?"

He nodded. "Yeah. Dying. And some days I see things or hear things that aren't there." he laughed "Really, Chi, it's normal. No big deal at all."

"If you say so..." she couldn't help but worry, though. This didn't sound normal at all. Thoughts of death? He wasn't thinking of killing himself, was he? No, that's not possible. That's not Goku. She let out a sigh. And here she thought the husband was supposed to fret over the mother-to-be.


End file.
